Bucket List #8643
Never done it before…I think it’s probably the most pent up I’VE been ever…
Fair Enough.
So long as I know you want and hope for the same things as me, I can do this with you.
I’ve never tried or wanted to justify, push blame elsewhere, or excuse any of what I did do. I have religiously defended what I’ve been accused of and I will continue to do so.
We lost us. For a while, we lost who we are as individuals and as a couple. And during that time I made careless mistakes that I will regret for a long time. However, I saw us coming back. And I wish everyday that we will continue that journey of rediscovery.
And so long as you say you want this…I have no other choice but to trust you or take the easy road out. And if I ever want to be trusted by you, I have to start…and lead by example.
You aren’t stupid and foolish for running to me for comfort. I may be capable of hurting you, but I’m built for nurturing you. It’s called love, and deep down you know this. I think you might still trust me a little, too…I think you somewhat trust my sincerity and genuine apology and you see the pain I’ve caused myself. I think you believe that that is real…and my efforts to win you back are just as genuine and from the heart. I think you are starting to believe my regret. And I hope you will soon believe in my ability to better myself.
I end with lyrics from Ms. Winona Judd:
“No one else on earth could ever hurt me
Break my heart the way you do
No one else on earth was ever worth it
No one can love me like
No one can love me like you”
So who are you waiting on?
Are you hoping and planning to believe in your gut instinct and trust it enough to do what’s right?
Or are you hoping and planning to believe in me, and my ability to change, learn from mistakes, and grow?
Or both?
Right now it feels like you’ve made up your mind to never trust anyone but yourself again.
What if we stay together for 15 years…and you still don’t trust me? Can I not even then blame it on being young and stupid and scared? On being the dumb person who sabotages things when they might actually be going right…?
I don’t want to be with someone who is unwilling to trust me. Unwilling and unable are two different things. You’ve proven that you can start to trust me…even if I broke it down. Will that deliberately never happen again?
7,238 playslittle pleasures // tokimonsta ft. gavin turek
download: amazon mp3 | itunes
Opening up
So I feel that if I ask you to come to me instead of internalizing your pain, I should follow suit and do the same.
Today I had a giant twinge in my heart.
Your words (almost exactly) were:
“I became that person. If you are going to treat me like the problem hell child, I became the problem hell child. I might as well…it didn’t make a difference except I got some sense of satisfaction in my day.”
I’m not asking to be excused for my wrongdoings….but, just think about what you just said to me long and hard. That was exactly where I was coming from. It doesn’t make it right…but it does make it relatable.
I love you.
I needed to get that out.
Negative Associations…
I’m sorry you feel the way that you do about things.
I want to straighten some of that out, though because it’s inevitable, unavoidable, and right now unnecessarily associated and completely unrelated.
Tattoos. Okay I get it. It’s one of my favorite things to do, and it’s something I ask everyone in my life to let me be apart of. Don’t let that be ruined forever, just let it be a bruise…
Massages. I don’t actually know what you mean by a VA one? Sorry in a little lost. The hot date and all? Just a little confused. I offered the massage last night, and you reminded me about it tonight…I left it up to you and I tried so hard to not push it too far the first time.
Pickles? Yeah they are just one of my favorite foods, and a gag gift for Christmas. I threw them away, FYI.
Epic Meal Time? Well that was an inside joke between Devon and I because we both like bacon. You gagged when you first ever saw it so I never really try to bring it up with you again. I threw the shirt away too.
Your mohawk? What? I don’t get it…that’s always been a thing of mine. I have always been attracted to them. Yours has been a favorite since its done well, and you are my first and only blonde. I’m not sure what to do or say about that…except maybe that I hated hers and tried to find nice ways of saying that? I don’t know what you mean by this one really…
Your book. It’s a healing book. It’s written for a reason. And I think you got it when you did for a reason.
Handcuffs? Yeah…I’m really mad about that one. I made the mistake of telling my dreams/desires/fantasies etc to a group of people who used it against me. I like cops, uniforms, authority. You know this. I even got made fun of because our Halloween cuffs were in my purse when I tried to find a pen. But that’s all it ever was, and all it ever has been. I’ve wanted to explore that side of my sex life more, but with you…with someone I can trust to not take advantage or abuse. It’s something I still want and with time I hope you can open up to it. It’s always been in my head…never tried. Never asked for. Just desired.
I work out…that’s my song. Everyone I know thinks of me when they hear it. It’s mine. I’m sorry it makes you think of bad things…but it’s just my song. That’s it.
And finally…photos of me. I get that one 100%. I understand that even if/when I start trying to send you some, your initial reaction will be who else are these being sent to? I know. I get that. You’ve already felt like that. And I’m sorry. That’s what I ruined, and I promise that it’s never going to happen again. I was stupid and selfish and…I’m sorry. I love you and I want you to br happy, excited, and feel desire when I do that. Not pain and betrayal. Time…time and a lot if hope.
I love you.
It’s barely been a week and I feel like so much has happened. it’s okay to still hurt, babe. I’m here for that too.
You are my one.
And I have not, can not, will not stop fighting for our love to be healed and empowered.
Don’t you forget or doubt that for one second.
Forgive me for being crude…
I know I’m supposed to be reveling in the love and romance…
But you do something to me that I can’t explain…
All I can think about is passionate, rough, hard, angry sex with you.
I’m sorry.
